jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
