Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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