Hey man sorry I got all grabby
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
