I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
