I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
