my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
