Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
