You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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