I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The uberlube is also flammable
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
