I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
