she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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