Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
