I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
