those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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