i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
