I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
