Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
