I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
