Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
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