I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
