I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
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