I think my fart just growled at me.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
