found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
