She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
