i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
