Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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