he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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