cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
