I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
