just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
