i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
