I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
