so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
