$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
