K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
