how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
