That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
