What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
