We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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