I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
