thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
