During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
