If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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