I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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