Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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