i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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