there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
