none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
one might say we're banned from that church
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
