my vag is so smooth its legendary
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
