Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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