take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
