Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
