You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
